The New Adventures of Jesus Christ Part 2

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Et70IX0ozt0

Finally I have finished part 2. I apologise for the terrible rap. And sorry for being super late.

Enjoy

Tricko.

World Cup Predictions

Just a few weeks away for the greatest competition on the planet, and because I have a blog I thought I should share my knowledge with you all.

I know my next entry should have been my new cartoon, but I’m still working on it. Working on paint can be very tedious and I thought doing this will get me back into a typing mood for my end of term essays. Seriously though, most of the cartoon is done and it will be finished.

Group A

South Africa

Mexico

Uruguay

France

Being the host nation is a major advantage and the host nation has always made it pass the first round in this competition. Look how well South Korea did in the 2002 world cup, they flipping got to the semi-finals. Who saw that? However, I’m sure this tradition won’t last forever and the best South Africa can do is third place I’m afraid. That’s if they can do better than Uruguay.

Mexico have always been a good side, but has never been up there with the big boys. Good enough though to make it past the group stage with a decent attack and Marquez leading them in defence. Mexico is the only nation to host the World Cup twice btw.

Uruguay are a fairly good team, with star player Diego Forlan playing the best football of his life in recent years and Martin Caceres making quite an impact at Juventus (before injury). However, (it will be tight) Mexico will do one better than them.

France is the clear favourites to top this group with a solid team filled with star players. Most of their goals come from midfield due to strikers such as Thierry Henry playing better for club than country. But I’m sure Gignac will do well as their target man and will attract a lot of attention from clubs, along with Yoann Gourcuff.

France will win the group and will advance with Mexico

Group B

Argentina

Nigeria

South Korea

Greece

Despite their rather weak qualifying campaign I think Argentina will be a force in this World Cup. They were the best team in the last one. They arguably have the best attack in the tournament and Messi will have a brilliant World Cup and will retain his title of FIFA World Player of the Year. Their defence was their downfall during their qualifying campaign and would constantly get fucked by counter attacks. But with the call up of Walter Samuel due to his amazing season at Inter Milan, he will be their rock in the centre. I reckon they won’t win it though because I can’t take Maradona seriously. He is too offensive minded and will most likely be too stubborn with his tactics. Why he never called up Javier Zanetti and Cambiasso I will never know.

Nigeria are not the team they use to be and are no longer the force of Africa. A few stand out players like Yobo, Mikel and Yakubu, but I’m finding it hard to decide whether they are good enough to advance to the knock outs.

South Korea are probably the best team in Asia, but that is not saying much compared with Europe, South America and maybe even Africa. Unfortunately for them I think they are the weakest team in the group, but are capable of making an upset. However, in this case I don’t think it will be a good World Cup for them.

I honestly don’t know what to make of Greece. They had an easy qualifying group and don’t know much about their players. This is the reason why I am finding it difficult to decide who will advance behind Argentina in this group. Greece is the favourites to get the second spot and had some convincing wins in there qualifying campaign. Hmmm?

Argentina (BLOBS) will win the group and second will be....NIGERIA!!! There I said it. I’m taking a risk here, but I can see them doing it. COME ON YOU EAGLES!

Group C

England

U.S.A.

Algeria

Slovenia

A very convincing qualifying campaign and you can see how much of a difference Capello has made. We look very confident and are one of the favourites to go all the way. Rooney will be the key if we do as he is on his best form. I think Crouch will most likely play alongside him, but Rooney can deal with it himself. Furthermore we have a lot more pace in the team. Shame Beckham will miss the World Cup as he would have been the prefect super sub.

U.S.A. always seems to be improving. They did very well in the Confederation Cup. I guess they are country that is good at what they like due to their population and so many different cultures. And football seems to be getting more popular there.

Have you played 2010 FIFA World Cup South Africa? Algeria are the top ranked country on the Online World Cup last time I checked, LOL! Anyway, I don’t think they are good enough to make it to the next round losing out to U.S.A.

Slovenia done really well to beat Russia in the play-offs, but their luck will run out and like Algeria will lose out to U.S.A. It is just a matter of pride between them and Algeria for third place. Apparently they can be quite frustrating.

England will win the group and will advance with U.S.A.

Group D

Germany

Australia

Serbia

Ghana

With Ballack gone Germany’s chances of going all the way are decreased. However, they will still do well. Their squad has a lot of fresh new talent, such as Jerome Boateng and Mesut Ozil, so they will be an interesting team to watch. Germany are very efficient, they are like a machine, and when it comes down to penalty shoot outs you know who will win. I’m sure they will have no problem advancing to the next round.

Australia done very well in the last World Cup and were unlucky to lose to that late penalty against Italy. However, apart from Germany, the other two countries in the group seem to be on par with them, and I think it will be tight with them and Serbia for second place. Other than that, they have a few good players that will shine, most likely going to be Cahill.

Serbia was my dark horse. Unfortunately, the way this World Cup is set out, I can’t see them going the distance. However, they are still going to turn some heads and show the world how good they are with players such as Vidic, Stankovic, and the half an inch taller than Crouch, Zigic. It seems to me that when Serbia and Montenegro split, Serbia got all the good players.

Ghana are a good side, but they will be relying a lot on Essien, the engine of the team. However, it won’t be enough to get them past the second round. Sorry Ghana, this group is too though for you.

Germany will win the group and advance with Serbia.

Group E

Netherlands

Denmark

Japan

Cameron

Everyone seems to like the Netherlands, and want them to do well. Well, they won’t! Most likely be knocked out in the second round. Brilliant midfield, with players like Sneijder and Robben, but they are lacking decent strikers. Van Persie may have to fill that role since Kuyt and Huntelaar haven’t had good seasons, but Van Persie has missed a lot of the season through injury and will be out of practice. Furthermore they don’t exactly have a strong defence.

There is a lot of talk that Denmark will do really well with a very convincing qualifying campaign, besting Portugal and Sweden. A team with a number of decent players with the likes of Agger and Jon Dahl Tomasson, and I can see them advancing to the next round.

Japan are a team that I don’t know much about. But I’m going to go with my gut and predict that they don’t make it past the group stage. I’m sure there are a lot of people who would agree.

Like Nigeria, Cameron are not the African force they once was. And like Ghana, they are relying on one player, that being Eto’o. They won’t be following their fellow African country Nigeria to the second round.

It is hard to decide which country will top the group, between Netherlands and Denmark, but I’m going to go with Netherlands because they will most likely have a superior goal difference.

Group F

Italy

Paraguay

New Zealand

Slovakia

In the last World Cup I thought Italy had the easiest run, and they have a very easy group. The main complaint with Italy is that they have a very old squad and are too defensive. Luca Toni was one of their best players in the last World Cup and I can’t see any of their strikers to have the same presents of him. Probably Rossi, but Luca Toni is the better target man. Other than that, they have a lot of talent and should never be written off.

Paraguay were very convincing during their qualifying campaign, besting the likes of Argentina. It is hard to call who will follow Italy to the next round between them and Slovakia. However, they did beat Brazil during qualifying. Paraguay had tougher competition

Pffft! New Zealand. Like they are going to do well. Best they can hope for is one point.

Like Paraguay, had a good qualifying campaign, but I can’t see them doing better. Best Slovakia can hope for is a draw against Paraguay, but Paraguay will most likely have a better goal difference.

Italy will win the group advancing with Paraguay.

Group G

Brazil

Korea DPR

Ivory Coast

Portugal

Brazil are the favourites to win it. They have won it the most time and are the only country to win it outside their continent. Along with Spain, they are brilliant in all areas. With the likes of Julio Cesar and Lucio in defence, and Kaka and Luis Fabiano in attack, they have to be the favourites.

HAHAHAHAHAHA! North Korea are so fucked. They are going to lose all their games and are going to get the Wooden Spoon.

In my opinion Ivory Coast are the most talented team in Africa, shame they are in a group with Brazil and Portugal. It was a shame as well in the last World Cup when they were in a group with Argentina and Netherlands. It is going to be the same story for them, another third place finish.

Portugal without Ronaldo are average. The reason they didn’t win their qualifying group is because Ronaldo was injured for most of it. If he got injured again Ivory Coast would stand a chance of progressing.

Brazil will win the group and advance with Portugal.

Group H

Spain

Switzerland

Honduras

Chile

In my opinion, Spain are the best team in the world. They were so impressive during the Euro, something we haven’t seen from them before as they are normally underachievers. Once again, Spain gets a really easy group and should have no problem winning it, especially with the best strike partnership in the world, that being David Villa and Fernando Torres.

Like Greece, Switzerland had a very easy qualifying group, which they won, but they weren’t impressive in the Euros. I think Spain and Chile will be too much for them. They could get second place, but I reckon Chile will top them.

Don’t expect much from Honduras. There wasn’t much competition in their qualifying campaign. Like Japan, I don’t know much about them, but I reckon it is a safe bet that they won’t advance.

Chile will most likely get second place in this group. They finished second in their qualifying group behind Brazil so show some promise, more than Switzerland anyway. West Ham flop Luis Jimenez comes from Chile, and he didn’t make the preliminary squad, LOL!

Spain will win the group and will advance with Chile.

Last 16

France vs. Nigeria

France will win, but Nigeria won’t make it easy.

Argentina vs. Mexico

These two countries play each other again in the second round, and I think it will be the same story. Argentina will win, but it will be tough for them.

England vs. Serbia

This is why I’m no longer backing Serbia to be a dark horse, because I reckon England will keep their cool and win.

Germany vs. U.S.A.

Germany will show those yanks how to play soccer with a convincing win.

Netherlands vs. Paraguay.

This where Netherlands will fail, Paraguay for the win.

Italy vs. Denmark

There could be an upset here, but I reckon Italy will do enough to hold them and win on penalties, or win by a sneaky late goal.

Brazil vs. Chile

Chile will take this game very seriously and have a proper go at them. However, Brazil will just edge it.

Spain vs. Portugal

Ronaldo won’t be able to do enough to topple Spain, comfortable win for Spain.

Quarter-Finals

France vs. England

This will be Rooney’s most clinical performance. He will be all over the French defence, while ours just does enough. England for the win.

Argentina vs. Germany

Germany aren’t as strong as they were in the last World Cup and Argentina will get their revenge.

Paraguay vs. Brazil

Again, a South American rivalry that Paraguay will really go for, but again, Brazil will edge it.

Italy vs. Spain

Spain will show the current champions who the best in Europe are. Spain for the win.

Semi-Finals

England vs. Brazil

My heart says England, but my head says Brazil. I can’t see us beating them.

Argentina vs. Spain

Spain will be able to maintain their attack, while raping their defence. Spain for the win.

Third Place Play-Off

England vs. Argentina

I can’t see Maradona taking this seriously, while Capello will. England will win third place. W00T!

Final

Brazil vs. Spain

I reckon Spain will lose their bottle. BRAZIL ARE CHAMPIONS!!!

There you have it. I’ve been looking at other predictions and most are all roughly the same apart from a few matches. I don’t expect you to completely agree with it. I’m sure there are a lot of you out there who think Netherlands will do really well and that Serbia and Nigeria won’t make it past the group stage.

Got to now start on Tom’s World Predictions on his piczo site.

CYA!

Tricko.

OCD

I think everyone is a little obsessive compulsive, just like how everyone is a little bit racist. That may be a shit comparison since racism isn’t a disorder, but what I’m saying is that everyone is something to some scale. For example, whenever I am in a moving car I’m always tempted to open the door. I never do but it is just annoying that it always comes to mind along in other possible dangerous situations. When on the wiki page for OCD I discovered that Argentina had the highest population of OCD sufferers in 2002. Argentina? You think it would be a country with a bigger population like China, India or U.S.A. When looking at the number of famous people who have OCD I came across this website (http://www.disabled-world.com/artman/publish/famous-ocd.shtml). Disabled-world? Anyway, it is quite interesting, but my favourite person with OCD (even though he isn’t real) is Monk. Have you ever watched Monk? It’s totally tits. It’s normally on one of the BBC channels during day time TV. He is a detective who notices clues no normal man would do. I declare that Monk is the unofficial king of OCD sufferers, and to honour this I made a picture on paint of him going mental because he fell over and his hands landed in dog shit.

OCD jokes are quite easy to make, but if you want to have a laugh here is a list (in no particular order) of games to play on people who suffer from it. All won’t work on mild OCD sufferers. You could do this on people who suffer with autism, but that may be going too far, I feel this is harsh enough.

• Ask if they stepped on every step when they went up or down some stairs (this may backfire as they might so obsessive compulsive they actually did, making you look like a proper pillock).
• Rearrange a number of books/DVD’s/ornaments (etc) in a collection, turning them upside down or back to front (as well as putting different discs in different cases).
• Do a shit in the middle of their floor.
• Hide the antibacterial soap dispenser, or replace contents with mayonnaise.
• Switch the tap knobs and say that you put all the spanners and wrenches in the inside of your pants.
• When out, constantly ask if they locked the back door, turned the oven off, turned the iron off, etc. Or if you want to be interesting, ask them if they done something they defiantly didn’t do, e.g. “Did you clean the bottom side of your wooden flooring?” When they say no claim that you, and everyone else did.
• (I will do one for autistics). Shout random orders of numbers in their face. E.g. 56, 8, 308, 92, 6, 4, 7763, 83, 1.2, etc.
• Run around in front of them while holding scissors while singing “I’m the Scissor King and you have OCD” (may backfire).
• Tell them gross facts, such as the average bed contains ten million dust mites, or that the average human eats eight spiders in their lifetime.
• Start a game of ‘ad’ (‘it’ to Americans) and always insist you are ‘it’ while constantly tapping them.
• Have a tickle fight.
• Tell them that you don’t believe in soap, and then start touching their face.
• (If you want to be really harsh) convince them that their notions are incorrect and completely unacceptable in reality and that they should do something about it in order to stop embarrassing themselves as well as everyone around them. Followed by handing them a knife or a loaded gun and telling them that they are hated by everyone for what they are.

Would probably leave the last one for someone you really hate. REALLY hate.

A lot of people I know don’t seem to use Twitter anymore. So, since it isn’t as cool as everybody thought it was I’ve decided to join. You can hear (read) my tweets at http://twitter.com/Andrew_Tricko

There is an OCD joke on there that I would like to take credit for, but I’m sure others have thought of it already. I will most likely get bored of Twitter myself soon enough. Follow me anyway.

Next post will be next month and will have the new episode of ‘The New Adventures of Jesus Christ’, I promise.

Sayounara.

Tricko.

P.S. Yes I have updated Toms Fan Club. In which country is he having a crazy adventure in this time?

http://www.tomsfanclub.piczo.com/?cr=6

Only one way to find out.

Super Mario Bros. Wii.

This game is probably one of the best games to come out this year. I fucking love Mario, he seriously can’t do wrong. Within the past year Nintendo have released Super Mario Galaxy, Super Smash Bros. Brawl, Mario Kart Wii, and now this. But with this game Mario has gone back to basics with new and old elements from other side scrolling Mario games such as Super Mario Bros. 3, Super Mario World and Super Mario World 2: Yoshi’s Island. New Super Mario Bros did offer this before hand on the Nintendo DS, but now it is offered on a console, which is always better. I grew up with these games. Nintendo basically taught me how to read. I remember when my brother and I were bought Super Mario All-Stars and I can honestly sathat I played and raped it for nearly a year as it offered all the Mario games from the Nintendo Entertainment System that was a generation behind us. I consider myself as an old skool gamer because I know a lot of people who only really got into gaming with consoles like the Playstation and N64, while I started in the 16-Bit era. Playstation and now even the Xbox can be considered better these days, but for people who loved and played Nintendo games, they just get a sense of loyalty for Nintendo.

As usual, you run and jump your way through eight worlds while stomping on enemies, going down pipes and collecting power ups. Power ups have always been a big part of the Mario games and they have really paid attention to it with power ups such as the Ice Flower that is just like the Fire Flower but you shoot ice balls that freeze your enemies rather than fire balls; Penguin Suit that lets you shoot ice balls, improves your swimming ability, as well as walk steadily and slide on ice; and the Propeller Mushroom that is arguably the most useful power up in the game as it lets you fly up in the air and slowly land while avoiding many obstacles. Two power ups that I sorely miss and I think at least one should have been included are the Raccoon Suit and the Boot from Super Mario Bros. 3.

The Raccoon suit was a improvement from the Leaf that gave you raccoon ears and a tail that let you fly for a short amount of time when you ran fast enough. But with the suit if you held down the jump/run (I can’t remember which one) button while ducking Mario would turn into a statue for a short amount of time while letting enemies walk past him. Not much of an improvement but I just love seeing Mario in that suit. And the Boot that was only available in one level (why?) that let Mario hop along on anything and stomp on anything. Nothing could pierce through the sole of the Boot. Expect lava I assume as the level the Boot was available on didn’t have any.

Multiplayer is a big aspect of this game, letting you play with four people on the same screen, which is rare for a side scrolling game. However, it relies on a lot of team work as players can obstruct each other. Furthermore, you cannot help the urge but to compete and kill each other. You will find yourself and others running towards the goal while making the screen push players down holes and squashing them into walls; collecting power ups that other players needed more; and picking up players and throwing them into holes and spikes. The game offers unlimited continues so it isn’t all that bad.

I do have some criticism about that game however. First is the controller. The game suggests you to use the Wii remote at its side, forcing your thumb at a horizontal position. It is less awkward with the old style of controls used to the other side scrolling games. Like the Super Nintendo Entertainment System controller for example.

It is hard to explain but it is just easier to have your thumb at that angle while you hold down and run button with the tip of your thumb and press the jump button with the joint. It feels more comfortable. You are better off using the nunchuck for virtual controller. My other criticism is the difficulty. It is too easy to complete (excluding full completion such as collecting all the star coin and getting to the alternative goals), unless you are a total noob. I got a maximum of ninety-nine lives by level five. If you get ninety-nine by the way Mario doesn’t wear his hat.

That is all I have to say about the game without giving too much away. If you are not actually that interested in games and Mario this could have been a waste of time for you. You should have just gone and fucked yourself instead.

For my next post, I’m hoping to include a new episode of The New Adventure of Jesus Christ. This one I am hoping to be a lot better as I am taking time with my animation and editing. It also has a script so there is more effort put into it. I was planning to have it done just before Christmas but it may take longer. So I leave you with a link to Tom’s Fan Club that has defiantly been updated this time. Just check his Brand New Super Adventures.

http://www.tomsfanclub.piczo.com/?cr=6

Tricko.

Pipe Smoking.

But first, a picture of Jim Branning from Eastenders having a stroke.

One of the better paint portraits I have created. Maybe I could take my laptop to Covent Garden and draw pictures of people for a few bob. That’s if they don’t mind sitting there for half an hour or more. Depending on how wrinkled their face is. No oldies, it would slow down business.

Now to the main subject, and that is that I have recently decided that pipe smoking is so un-cool that it is actually cool, like Jarvis Cocker. So I’m going to try and bring it back into fashion, and hopefully not fail where I have in the past with yo-yo’s, jiving and chewing a cocktail sick while not playing a card game.

Here are modern historical figures smoking their pipes, the father of modern physics Albert Einstein and the second General Secretary of the Communist Party of the Soviet Union and paranoid arsehole Joseph Stalin. Einstein can be considered cool, in some geeky novelty way I guess. And communism is cool even though it hardly ever works in the long run and can be quite outers. During my A-Levels I done an independent study on how important Lenin was during the Russian Revolution and found out that Stalin was quite committed to the cause. He robbed banks to fund the cause and spend some time in Siberia. However, he did kill more people than Hitler.

If you are interested in this soon to be hip hobby, then you will need to follow these instructions.

1.Get yourself a Pipe.

I got mine from some shitty stall at Dagenham Heathway for about £6 about over a year ago. You could get a nice one from a proper tobacconist that fuck that cause it is like £20. I was thinking of buying a new one off of ebay as my pipe has gotten quite grotty. I saw some going for under a fiver which seems quite reasonable.

2.The Tobacco.

You can get specific tobacco for pipes but I find Golden Virginia to be acceptable. A pipe connoisseur would most likely disagree. And remember, you must fluff the tobacco when placing it in the blow as it will burn better. I think.

3.Lighting.

You should use matches but you have to be a pro to get it fully alight. Just use a lighter. Screw it, it’s not like you want to get properly committed.

4.Smoking it.

Remember to not inhale too slowly as this will result in relighting it. Just take your time looking cool.

There are a number of drawbacks to having a pipe and that is cleaning it as they sink once you use it enough times. You will also start to taste ash in the stem. You will have to clean it regularly. Smokingpipes.com recommend the following, but I will give my alternatives.

• Tapered Pipe Cleaners-Those shitty pipe cleaners from shops.
• Bristle Pipe Cleaners-Above.
• Regular or extra fluffy pipe cleaners-Yeah them.
• Pipe sweetener or grain alcohol-Cheap gin.
• Shank brush or cotton swab-Cotton swab.
• Pipe reamer-?
• Pipe tool or pick-Cocktail stick (do not chew after picking).

Now you are ready to take up the pipe. I suspect over 50% of smokers to have one by the New Year. Not really! About 20%.

Stay tuned for another whacky post.

Tricko.

P.S. Thom’s Fan Club hasn’t been updated right at this moment, but it will by tomorrow.

http://www.tomsfanclub.piczo.com/?cr=6

P.P.S. I don't know why the font for the bullet points is different. Don't worry about it.

Tom’s New and Improved Website is BACK!

It is about time that I update my blog. I was planning to over the summer but I had a lot of shit going down. Such as travelling across Europe and finishing some overdue essays. I also had some other projects in mind but couldn’t be bothered. I am now though. However, before I write an official entry I got word from my friend Tom to edit his piczo site again and there was no way I was passing that opportunity.

http://www.tomsfanclub.piczo.com/?cr=6

If you are unaware of Tom’s New and Improved Website, I will give you the low down. Tom is a self absorbing ego maniac who lives in Gidea Park with Handy Andy from Changing Rooms, who he found hibernating in his next door neighbours garden, who is the musician and music maverick Beck. Tom has been on many adventures such as the time he helped out Girls Aloud; saving many lives from an escaped crocodile at the zoo; giving one of his many kidneys to Handy Andy in his time of need; curing the common cold; starting a Sunday League team with a bunch of South American children with Handy Andy; and making many music collaborations with Beck and the Pet Shop Boys. Tom has the uncanny ability to make the exact same facial expression in all his pictures. He also has been sporting the exact same haircut for donkey’s years.

Enjoy.

Tricko.

Mike Tyson's Punch Out!! Walkthrough.

WAHEY! I’M BACK FROM THE DEAD!!!
Sorry for not updating for a long while but you know how it is when you are not in a blogging mood. It is easy to start a blog but just as easy to lose interest. However I’m back now and will produce another number of posts.

This post will be about one of the greatest games on the Nintendo Entertainment System, Mike Tyson’s Punch Out!! And I found a website where you can play it for free. It was quite easy to find a site to play it actually. You can find loads through Google, but this is my most preferred.

http://www.1980-games.com/us/old-games/nintendo/m/Mike_Tyson%27s_Punch-Out!!/big-game.php

WARNING!!! Don’t use the save function on this link as it tends to make the game slow down and jump. It did for me on Firefox anyway. Plus you shouldn’t be a cheating bastard.

The plot to this game is that you play as Little Mac from the Bronx who wants to make his way through the ranks of boxing by beating opponents that are all bigger than him in order to fight Mike Tyson, with help from his trainer Doc Louis. I say help. During fights he mostly gives you boxing clichés such as “Stick and move, stick and move!” and “One two, one two punch Mac!” which is why I will write a walkthrough for you in order to succeed in this game. Anyone who is familiar with YTMND will recognise Doc when he is riding a bike between circuits.

The Controls
• Z and X make Mac do a left and right stomach punch.
• If you hold the UP ARROW KEY while punching Mac does a face punch.
• LEFT and RIGHT ARROW KEY makes Mac dodge from left to right.
• DOWN ARROW KEY makes Mac block. If you double tap it Mac ducks.
• ENTER is your select button, when the game says “PUSH START” you press ENTER. However during a fight it makes Mac do a super punch (when you have a star) that inflicts more damage.

Important Notes
• Each fight is three rounds long. You can win by decision when you earn a certain amount of points. However, there are a few opponents that you cannot beat by decision. This includes the Championship fights, King Hippo and Mr Sandman.
• If you press the SPACE BAR in between rounds Doc Louis will start to rub Mac’s shoulder and give him a health boost. However the amount of health is random, so sometimes you can gain a lot of health or hardly any at all. If you press it before the fight Mac will lose health. But why would you want to do that, unless you want more of a challenge.
• You can only hold three stars in your Star Meter in the top left hand corner, which are given for certain punches when the opponent isn’t stunned.
• Your Heart Meter, next to the Star Meter, is Mac’s energy. It goes down when you have been punched or if your punch has been blocked. If it goes down to zero Mac will turn pink and start panting. Mac can’t punch during this phrase so the only option is to dodge punches until he regains his energy. When Mac is like this the opponent normally starts to go mental at Mac. Amount of energy varies on the opponent.
• When doing super punches in the later matches I suggest doing one in the last opportunity of punches in a combo after a dodge, as later opponents are capable of avoiding or countering them.

Now, in the words of Ant and Dec...LETS GET READY TO RUMBLE!

Glass Joe

Macs first opponent is an absolute joke of a boxer, as you can tell by his record. If you don’t beat him (with my instructions which I should even give to you because he is such a spas) I will have no respect for you as a gamer. Just punch him in the area he isn’t blocking while he stands there doing nothing. He can be quite annoying as he blocks a lot and can drain Macs heart. Eventually he will back off and taunt you and go back in and deliver the slowest hook in the world. It is actually quite off putting as it is so slow you will probably dodge too early. He will now start to throw some punches by doing more hooks and the odd jab, but they are slow and telegraphed so just dodge and punch. If you punch him now while he just stands there you may receive some stars to perform super punches, which he never dodges. For a easy win, when he is making his way back after taunting Mac, punch him in the stomach and he will go straight down. Lastly, look at his face during his introduction. It is as if he is having a stroke. All them loses have really damaged his head. No wonder he is so fucking shit.

Von Kaiser

If you have got this far well done, you are not a complete noob. Noob is getting put in the dictionary by the way, but back to Punch Out. Von Kaiser is more of an aggressive fighter than Glass Joe but still really easy and is quicker to knockdown. He will telegraph his punch by flashing and twitching his moustache. Later in the fight he just flashes. Just dodge and punch. Eventually he will try an uppercut, but like Glass Joe’s it is slow. He will duck down and flash, dodge and punch again and he will just stand there with his mouth open taking the punches like a bitch. Seriously you can get loads of punches in. The best aspect of this fight is when you perform a super punch when he is stunned and his mouth just starts to go mental. Straight enough, this is the only opponent that ducks.

Piston Honda

Minor Circuit Champion and is the first challenge of the game. He will start with shuffling his feet and will eventually punch when he twitches his eyebrows and flashes. Dodge and punch him in the face a few times. You can’t just punch him while he stands like with Glass Joe and Von Kaiser, this bloke knows how to block. However you can punch him in the stomach when he twitches his eyebrows for a star. After a few of them he will try some hooks and uppercuts. They are easy to dodge and when you do, punch him in the stomach rather than the face as you get more hits. Soon enough he will back off and start hopping side to side and go back in and do a lot of straight punches. These can be devastating as he will throw quite a lot. Your only option is to block these until he stops. To KO him straight away, like Glass Joe, punch him in the stomach when he comes back from hopping about like pounce.

Don Flamenco

This fight is even easier than Glass Joe. But Don isn’t as shit as Glass Joe as you meet him again and he is so fucking.....well, let us wait till we get there. Anyway, Don will do some shit dance and when you start the fight he will just stand there taunting you. If you do nothing he will do it for the rest of the fight, seriously. The only way to win this is to punch him, which he blocks, and right after he will go for an uppercut. His uppercut is faster than the other opponents so far, but he will flash to telegraph it, just be ready to dodge and start going mental at his face. When he gets back up after being knocked down he will go straight away for another uppercut to try and surprise you. If you follow these instructions he is normally down for the count after you knock him down twice, but sometimes he can get up after about three or four. Other than that it should be easy to TKO him and you should gain enough points to win by decision, which is 5000.

King Hippo

This is the only fight where Doc Louis gives you decent advice. He eventually tells you to punch King Hippo in the mouth. You need to punch him in the face when he holds up his arm and opens his mouth. His shorts will drop and you just have to start punching him in the stomach. Repeat until you knock him down and he will never get up. Never! However he has another punch where he just slightly lifts his arm and all you can do is dodge or block it. He has no pattern to these punches so be careful and quick because his punches are powerful.

Great Tiger

When I first played this game this is the bloke who I had a hard time beating. He will first throw some straights, but you can tell when the jewel on his turban starts to flash, dodge and punch him in the face. After a few of them he will do some uppercuts. Like Von Kaiser he will duck down and deliver them. However if you do a stomach punch in the direction he is ducking you will get a star. Get three stars then punch him in the face three times and do a super punch. When you have knocked him down two times he will go for his special move. This is where Great Tiger becomes an utter cunt. He will back off and do a magic dance then travel at a ridiculous speed around the ring while trying to punch you. The only way to get through it is to block around 5 of them in a row. He will punch straight after the sound, which is roughly over about half a second. If you don’t he will just keep on punching. Just remember: BOOOO, BLOCK, BOOOO, BLOCK, BOOOO, BLOCK, BOOOO, BLOCK! There is a rhythm to it. When you have blocked enough in a row he will get really dizzy and just stand there and all you have to do is punch him once in the face and he is down. You can only beat Great Tiger by TKO and decision, which you need 10,000 points for. It is necessary to get use to his special move as he always uses it in his time of need.

Bald Bull

This bloke is BEAR massive. Look at him. How the hell do you beat him I hear you say? Well, he will first rotate his fists, when he does this, dodge as he will go for a jab and when you do punch him in the face (you can only punch him in the face). Soon he will do some hooks. He will telegraph this by moving his hands up and down. Do the same as before but this time you can punch him in the face three times. Have you noticed how your opponents don’t flash anymore? It gets a lot harder from here. Soon enough he will go for his special move, the Bull Charge. He will move to the far end of the ring, bob up and down a bit, and then charge at you with a punch that can knock you down straight away. You could dodge it but he just lines up for another one. Like with other opponents (you guessed it) you have to punch him in the stomach just before he punches you, and like his punch, you will get a straight knockdown. It is quite hard to get use to timing this. The trick is to not to do it too early. And you have to get use to this because like Great Tiger you can’t win by knockout. Furthermore, because it is a championship match you can’t win by decision so you have to go for the TKO. Lastly Bald Bull might do some uppercuts after some hooks, which he ducks down for, but he is very fast with them. If you get hit by one get ready to dodge another as he normally does one straight after.

Piston Honda (Second)
He is back, and he has gotten more defensive and annoying. Like before he will twitch his eyebrows and throw a jab, but this time he throws three in a row. If you are quick enough to dodge you can punch him in the face after his jab. Later in the match if you do this you will get a star for it. However, keep in mind if you do punch him after the jab he won’t jab a third time but go for an uppercut. This can be off putting as it is slower. After the jabs he will do two uppercuts at the same speed but no flash, and there is no need to do stomach punches like before, you get the same amount for stomach and face, which is four. And also like before he will back off from you and eventually come back and throw loads of straights at you. He won’t hop about this time, he will back off and go straight in so be ready. Like before you can knock him out straight away, but sometimes if your timing is slightly off you can hit him and just get a star instead of him falling on the mat. The star doesn’t matter as you are bound to get hit when he is wailing at you. Just keep on trying until you eventually get him. It is easy to win this one by decision as well.

Soda Popinski

This fight is all about endurance and timing as this guy is tough. He will start off with two hooks that he telegraphs by getting his left arm ready. He is a southpaw which means he is left handed. You can dodge it and get three punches in the face (like Bald Bull you can only punch him in the face), but you can punch him in the face as he gets ready for it and receive a star. He will do another one after. After that he will normally go for two uppercuts that he ducks for and are very quick. You can normally get six punches in the face when you dodge and punch it. Before you knock him down he varies between the two but mostly goes for the hooks. During the match he may go for a quick jab with his right that is hard to avoid so just take it. Rarely but mostly when you are out of energy he will shuffle his feet and delivery three jabs in a row. It is easy to avoid all three and punch him in the face for a few more after the third jab. When it comes to round two and every knock down (including your own) after that, Soda will always start with an uppercut with his left and then with his right so be ready to dodge straight away. He will repeat the left right uppercuts again but will only do the pattern once in the middle of the fight. These are followed by hooks. You will have trouble with him but you will get use to it. I certainly did after abut twenty tries. And yes! He was originally called Vodka Popinski but it was changed to Soda to be more family friendly. The most over used Punch Out fact EVER!

Bald Bull (Second)
If you are use to the face him he isn’t actually that hard. Once again you can’t beat Bald Bull by knock out but you can beat him by decision. If you have 7000 points by the third round and he is just repeating the Bull Charge you might as well just keep on dodging it until the bell. Unless you are confident in hitting him of course, and it is a lot easier to this time. Be sure to dodge his first charge because for his second he will back up half way. It is easier to hit him in the stomach this way as you go for it as soon as he charges. Other than that he starts off with rotating his fists and going for faster jabs again followed by the hooks, but watch out for the uppercuts. This time he will mostly start moving his fists up and down. Punch him in the face when he does this for a free star as you can only knock down Bald Bull this time with super punches and countering his Bull Charge. Lastly when you punch and he blocks he will punch back straight away.

Don Flamenco (Second)
As I was going to say, he is so fucking frustrating the second time. This time he will start to attack by stepping back and doing a jab. Dodge and punch for the face. He will go for some uppercuts as well after about maybe three of them so stay focused. Don’t start punching him waiting for his counter punch as he can dodge it from getting ready for his uppercut that has devastating results. After enough of that he will do his old technique and taunt at you waiting for a punch. Now you can do it. But this time he won’t always strike back, this is when he dodges and his head leans to the left. When his head stays in the centre he will go for the uppercut so dodge and go for the kill. This will drain your hearts but when you are out of energy he will always go for the uppercuts. Keep on doing this until he goes back to the jabs. Just repeat this. You need to knock him out about four times to win by decision. You should be able to knock him out in the third round or possibly get a TKO in the second.

Mr Sandman

This guy is so tough it is ridiculous. I haven’t even beaten him yet. And you thought I was the Punch Out expert, but you were wrong. However I will guide you to the best of my knowledge. Just like Bald Bull he will start with rotating his fists and deliver a faster straight. He will also punch when he blocks one of your punches. He will telegraph his hooks the same way but like the jabs they are faster. He can be a bit off putting as he mixes between left and right, including his jabs. When you do counter his hooks punch him in the face once and then start working on his stomach. This is the only way you can beat Mr Sandman, once in the face and the rest in the stomach. When there is a long pause this is when he will deliver his three uppercuts. He is so fast with them I don’t know when to move. If you manage to dodge the first one, which you have to dodge left for, dodge to the right straight away then to the left again. Punch once in the face and you can get loads of hits in the stomach. If you beat Mr Sandman you are a proper old skool gamer. Not that I’m not. I’m better with platform games.

Fuck the World Champion Super Macho Man. If you get to him you don’t need my help. I’m going straight for Mike Tyson with this code: 007 373 5963.

First Attempt: Got TKO’ed in 33 seconds.

Second: TKO’ed 55 seconds (progress).

Third: TKO’ed 36 seconds (shit).

Fourth: TKO’ed 1 minute 4 seconds (His one hit uppercuts don’t stick to the same time pattern).

Fifth: TKO’ed 31 seconds (FUCK IT).

I have gotten bored of this game anyway.

Tricko.