Tuesday, November 3, 2009

Pipe Smoking.

But first, a picture of Jim Branning from Eastenders having a stroke.

One of the better paint portraits I have created. Maybe I could take my laptop to Covent Garden and draw pictures of people for a few bob. That’s if they don’t mind sitting there for half an hour or more. Depending on how wrinkled their face is. No oldies, it would slow down business.

Now to the main subject, and that is that I have recently decided that pipe smoking is so un-cool that it is actually cool, like Jarvis Cocker. So I’m going to try and bring it back into fashion, and hopefully not fail where I have in the past with yo-yo’s, jiving and chewing a cocktail sick while not playing a card game.

Here are modern historical figures smoking their pipes, the father of modern physics Albert Einstein and the second General Secretary of the Communist Party of the Soviet Union and paranoid arsehole Joseph Stalin. Einstein can be considered cool, in some geeky novelty way I guess. And communism is cool even though it hardly ever works in the long run and can be quite outers. During my A-Levels I done an independent study on how important Lenin was during the Russian Revolution and found out that Stalin was quite committed to the cause. He robbed banks to fund the cause and spend some time in Siberia. However, he did kill more people than Hitler.

If you are interested in this soon to be hip hobby, then you will need to follow these instructions.

1.Get yourself a Pipe.

I got mine from some shitty stall at Dagenham Heathway for about £6 about over a year ago. You could get a nice one from a proper tobacconist that fuck that cause it is like £20. I was thinking of buying a new one off of ebay as my pipe has gotten quite grotty. I saw some going for under a fiver which seems quite reasonable.

2.The Tobacco.

You can get specific tobacco for pipes but I find Golden Virginia to be acceptable. A pipe connoisseur would most likely disagree. And remember, you must fluff the tobacco when placing it in the blow as it will burn better. I think.


You should use matches but you have to be a pro to get it fully alight. Just use a lighter. Screw it, it’s not like you want to get properly committed.

4.Smoking it.

Remember to not inhale too slowly as this will result in relighting it. Just take your time looking cool.

There are a number of drawbacks to having a pipe and that is cleaning it as they sink once you use it enough times. You will also start to taste ash in the stem. You will have to clean it regularly. Smokingpipes.com recommend the following, but I will give my alternatives.

  • Tapered Pipe Cleaners-Those shitty pipe cleaners from shops.
  • Bristle Pipe Cleaners-Above.
  • Regular or extra fluffy pipe cleaners-Yeah them.
  • Pipe sweetener or grain alcohol-Cheap gin.
  • Shank brush or cotton swab-Cotton swab.
  • Pipe reamer-?
  • Pipe tool or pick-Cocktail stick (do not chew after picking).

Now you are ready to take up the pipe. I suspect over 50% of smokers to have one by the New Year. Not really! About 20%.

Stay tuned for another whacky post.


P.S. Thom’s Fan Club hasn’t been updated right at this moment, but it will by tomorrow.


P.P.S. I don't know why the font for the bullet points is different. Don't worry about it.


  1. I don't mean to be a total douche, but Stalin was the actually 1st General Secretary of the CPSU.

    Lenin's title was 'Chairman of the Council of the People's Commissars of the USSR' which can be compared with the role of Prime Minister in other countries. Stalin was the 4th 'Chairman of the Council of People's Commissars' but later changed the name to 'Chairman of the Council of Ministers'.

    Lenin created the General Secretary post as a bull-shit job and gave it to Stalin to mug him off...but then Stalin turned it all around after Lenin died and made the General Secretary the real position of power in the USSR...so who got the last laugh in the end huh?

    Stalin 1 - Lenin 0

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